I lost track..

I lost track of writing in here everyday, not that its hard to write more that its hard to get myself in gear. Last night wasn’t the greatest for me, Valentines makes me depressed and my mother loves that day so she kept talking about it. Then she continued to talk about her co-worker who’s 26 and is getting married, which continued my downhill spiral. I know I seem silly and it seems silly that I worry about such things, but I always have. I don’t want to spend eternity alone. Robin, then proceeded to yell at me in a good way through text messages. Sometimes that’s what i need most, my best friend to slap me and say bitch wake up, you’re only 23 stop being crazy, you keep worry and you won’t enjoy yourself or the time you have now. Which is true. I love Robin, even sometimes I hate that shes so right.

I’m struggling this morning too, I keep thinking of …. even though I know I’m better off and I’m moving on with so many things, it still hurts. Of course I’ll have good days and bad days, regardless it feels good to get it off my chest. However I’m going to push through, I only have a week till I’m in California which will be good and that’s keeping me smiling. The snow outside is making the buildings look so pretty, the snow reminded me of the snow you see in movies all fluffy! I have a date tonight, we shall see how that goes, not expecting much just perhaps a fun night out :)

Yesterday I found a quote on google that I loved. “Everyone says that love hurts, but thats not true. Rejection hurts, losing someone hurts. Everyone confuses these things with love but in reality LOVE is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes us feel wonderful again…”

Pearl

She is a pyramid
But with him she’s just a grain of sand
This love’s too strong like mice and men
Squeezing out the life that should be let in

She was a hurricane-cane-cane-cane
But now she’s just a gust of wind
She used to set the sails of a thousand ships
Was a force to be reckoned with

She could be a statue of liberty
She could be a Joan of Arc
But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her
So he keeps her in the dark

Oh, she used to be a pearl…Ohh
Yeah, she used to rule the world…Ohh
Can’t believe she’s become a shell of herself
‘Cause she used to be a pearl

She was unstoppable
Moved fast just like an avalanche
But now she’s stuck deep in cement
Wishing that they’d never ever met

Do you know that there’s a way out,
there’s a way out

You don’t have to be held down,
be held down


‘Cause I used to be a shell
Yeah, I let him rule my world
my world, ohh, yeah

But I woke up and grew strong
And I can still go on
And no one can take my pearl

You don’t have to be shell, No
You’re the one that rules your world, ohh
You are strong and you’ll learn
that you can still go on

And you’ll always be a pearl

She is unstoppable

I realized this morning I can relate to this song more than I know…..

7.2 and 8

7.2

Yesterday started good, minus the excess thoughts of the person who was suppose to go with me to the Gala, I knew I’d be thinking of that though.. Last night was fun though, I got a lot of compliments! My boss didn’t recognize me then after was like WOW….Steph?! HAHAHA made me laugh, but it was nice to hear regardless. A couple of the other guys in the office who know me, didn’t realize it was me, they also complimented me saying I look gorgeous. Funny part was I put myself together last minute and was worried I hadnt put in enough effort. As the night progressed I had about 4 drinks and broke my heel. I think I can get the shoe fixed thank god, guess I should invest in some nice shoes and a clutch. :) I’m glad my boss came to keep me company, turns out we have a lot in common, it was also nice that he dropped me off. Glad I have a nice boss.

8

Today has been good too, Woke up really tired, but got up and in gear then went shopping with Kelsey. We talked about the guy she wants to hook me up with, I’m open to it and kind of excited, obviously not expecting anything but it could be fun. I got a new purse and sports bra, finally used my lulu gift certificate. Robin said at least you got something out of that DB, I replied with yea finally getting something supportive! Then we proceeded to laugh like mad at our joke. <3 I studied some finance but was hoping to do more unfortunately I’m tired and can’t concentrate. Tomorrow I will study and get my ass in gear for my test…

“Igniting my passion is another way of revealing how much I love myself…” - Unknown 

7.1

Without Robin in my life, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t survive life that well at all. I love herrrrr a ton <3 Shes always honest and straight up with me and knows how to deal with me when I’m being crazy….She is the Ethel to my Lucy

6

Today went good, work was fun. My boss was better and I actually had work at the end of the day, so I saved for a bit which I didn’t mind. Tomorrow is our work gala, I’m excited as I love dressing up! Kelsey contacted me today regarding a boy she wants me to meet. He seems to be really nice and has a lot going for him, just one minor set back but its nothing horrible just a lung disease he was born with. I don’t think that should affect my decision and I think he deserves a chance, so I’m excited for that. I trust Kelsey wouldn’t set me up with a wacko, so that exciting.

Lately my throat has been hurting and I just figured out its from rocking out so loud to the music in my car LOL I love singing at th top of my lungs. It makes me feel good. I came home and poled which was fun, did a new move I taught myself and it worked. Need to get stronger on it though, must practice.

<3 Pain is temporary, quitting is forever… 

5

Today was going really bad, I was exhausted and forgetting to eat even if I did do good the past few days and my weight seems to be back. One fallen day could change it all. My boss was cranky and it just didn’t seem like a good day. I cried in my cubicle, about everything, just to feel better. Then I came home. My parents and I went for Vietnamese, I talked to them about getting a kitty, they said they’d think about it. They don’t know I plan to, even if they say no. It has nothing to do with them except roam the house a little bit. I would buy the food, take care of the vet bills, and get my friends to look after my kitty if I went on vacation. Whats so bad about it? Nothing.

I poled later on which made me feel sexy even if I was exhausted, got pole rash on my bum though…thats what you get for working out in your underwear.  Then I got a call from Alyssa, I know she’s been worried about me. She brought up a good point, maybe I should talk to someone regardless if I’m improving my eating habits, no matter how hard I try food is always going to make me paranoid either in the front or the back of my mind. So maybe talking to someone about it could help me ease the paranoia. I will mention it to my doctor next time I’m in.

I don’t know if I accomplished much today, I guess the fact that pole cheered me up and the idea of getting my own kitty.. 

4

And I’m not keeping now the strength I need to push me…

The line above really describes how I feel as a whole right now. I’m so tired of being of trying to be strong. Sometimes I feel like my “friends” like throwing failures in my face.

At least I weighed 120 yesterday and 119 today. 15 days till California..

3

Today was better than I thought it was going to be. I woke up feeling really lonely, I told my dad and he texted back saying look in the mirror, you’re not alone! Made me giggle. Then I went to work which was okay until lunch when my boss was like lets go for lunch together, so I was like sure why not! So we went for lunch had a beer each then whatever we ordered. It was nice, got to know each other better. We went back to work after and throughout the day we were constantly giggling at each other. It was fun, and totally made my day more brighter. I also talked to one of my 30 year old guy friends, about things that happened in the last two months, and he gave me a  new perspective that I wasn’t getting any respect, I never really looked at it that way till now. Then I went to dance after which was fun, I always enjoy that. A place I can be myself without judgment, I got an owwie from one of the pole bolts but I’ll be okay. The pain is comforting, I know I have a long way to go to build back/more muscle but each move gets me closer to my goals…

I was watching flashpoint and it ended with a great song.

You breathe in and you breathe out for it ain’t so weird? How it makes you a weapon. Careful, be careful. Here by my side, it’s Heaven….

2

Today was okay, not much went on, just the usual work and my boss was nice.

I’ve ate a ton today which is good, so I’m proud of myself in that sense. I think I got in about 2000 calories at least. Tonight will be my forth day without a sleeping pill, so I hope it goes well…..I’m sure it will.

Goal to get off sleeping pills, seems to be complete for now.

Goal to gain weight, still working on.

‎’Cause I know you’re out there, and you’re, you’re looking for me. It’s a crazy idea that you were made perfectly for me you’ll see… 

17 more days till San Diego..